So my friend and paramedic co-worker Michelle, who is also an emergency nurse phones and says let’s do something today - exercise wise. Sure I say let’s go for a swim. She suggests a hike. I say swim. She says hot yoga. I say hike. She says it’s raining – so I say swim. She says hot yoga. I say swim. She says hot yoga and I blurt my best excuse, “ hot yoga – that hot room is the perfect environment to get H1N1 and it has carpet”...she laughs says hot yoga it is and hangs up. Soon I get a text from her telling me to be at her house at 3:00 pm with shorts, 2 towels and water, class is at 4:30....I begrudgingly throw my stuff together and get to her house. I don’t know why but I don’t want to do this - yet for the last year I have wanted to try hot yoga...and so here I am. I decide to try my shorts on that I packed at Michelle’s house, and they are too small – oh good can’t go shorts don’t fit. She finds me some hospital scrubs to wear and off we go. We pull up at the studio and Michelle realizes she has forgotten her towel. I tell her I have one in the backseat I used at swimming the other day and that the dog was lying on it – she grabs it and we head in.

Wendy is the instructor at the desk. Uncannily I met Wendy 3 weeks before in my friend’s driveway and had a great chat and connection with her. I am excited to see her and introduce Michelle to her. We sign in and go the change room and then up to the studio to set up our mats. It is HOT. We both lie down on our towels that are spread on top of our mats – and wait for the unknown to begin.

We start with breathing and are just following along with what the others are doing. Then the poses begin...tree pose – trying to balance on one leg and I am flailing wildly and swaying everywhere. I whisper over to Michelle, “fierce wind.” On and on these poses go. I am too hot. Too this too that...my mind is awhirl and I want out of this room. Now we are lying on our mats doing poses. The class is on their knees doing something and I look over at Michelle and she is rolling on her back with a bad leg cramp. Sweat is pouring down both of our faces. The next few poses Wendy is telling us to put our faces into our towels. Michelle has a funny look on her face. My mind is intense. I say to Michelle I have to get out of this room. I say it again to her. And again. I can feel my heart racing and that anxiousness...taking over me. I can’t breathe. I say to Wendy, “can I leave the room” She replies that she prefers if I didn’t and remained with the class even if it means just lying on my mat. So I lay down and try to calm my mind. Just lying there not trying to do poses leaves my mind too free to panic... I sit up – it is so HOT... and try to do what the class is doing.

Finally it is over. Sweet blessedness let me out of this room. I get up to leave...my legs are jelly and I know there is cool air 10 feet away but I wonder if my legs can hold me. I get to the door and am so relieved for the cooler air I forget about my legs until I take the first stair down. I need to concentrate going down the stairs. Michelle and I descend together – make it to the bench at the bottom of the stairs and plunk down. Michelle starts telling me about the “dog towel” and how she had dog hair stuck to her sweaty face and how bad the towel smelled ....and once again I can hardly breathe, this time from laughter. She is going on about... and then the instructor is saying put your face right in the (DOG) towel, kiss the DOG TOWEL. Then I ask her about her cramp..and she says she was crying, that she had tears streaming down her face – I am trying to control my laughter as I tell her that I thought she was sweating.

Wendy comes over to talk to us asks us how it went. We both respond something to the effect of it being brutal. Than Michelle asks, “has anyone ever died doing this?” and again I am laughing.....imagining an ambulance protocol for hot yoga. Suddenly I am serious again though, cause the truth is I was traumatized by doing this. I wasn’t prepared for it to be the mental / emotional struggle that it was. Not that it wasn’t a physical struggle – I was expecting that. Michelle can’t find her glasses…she goes off to look. I stay on the bench wondering what about this made my mind go to the places it did. Her glasses aren’t in the change room – she pauses at the bench and looks at me. She tells me she doesn’t want to go back into the studio – into THAT room – where we both for different reasons experienced such difficulties. Deep breath and up the stairs she goes. When she comes back she is smiling and tells me going back into THAT room was good for her and she was glad she did go back in. We go to the change room, gather our stuff and ourselves and leave. No discussion on when or if we will return.

Next day we arrive, again Wendy is our instructor and all is good with the world and myself. I have found my challenge and my happy place all at the same time. I again return the next day by myself , Michelle had to work. I hesitatingly go up to the studio to find myself a place and Wendy is there reaching for the other end of my mat as we lay it out and I am thinking... there is always a place and someone to help, listen, mentor, encourage.